“What are you doing?” she asked.
“Sitting here sucking up all that wonderful sunshine we’ve been having the last few days. You don’t get too many Octobers like this. The last one that comes close was 18 years ago. You know, the sun is one of the best sources of Vitamin D. So is milk and fish, which is why I like both of those. Gettin’ old you know, gotta keep them bones from cracking and breaking.”
“You’re sitting in the front yard half naked making sucking noises.”
“The back yard is all in shade this time of year, otherwise I’d be out back laying around in the sun, naked. It’s kind of like walking up to a bar and ordering a double. Absorb a little through the skin, breathe a little in, works from the inside and out.”
“The neighbors don’t want to see you half naked and you don’t breathe sunshine.”
“I may not be as tight, but I don’t have a gut. I could be one of those guys out there waddling around looking like they’re eight months pregnant you know. Besides, all that river wading has done wonders for my butt. As for breathing sunshine, don’t forget we’re a couple of blocks from the river. There’s all those negative ions out there floating around, you don’t know if any of that sunshine Vitamin D is sticking to those ions and floating on up here. I’ve never heard otherwise. A little bit of D for the bones, negative ions for a positive attitude and I’m a healthy, happy bundle of pent up energy.”
“You’re annoying. Why does everything you do have to be some kind of weird experiment?”
“We’ve been together what, 6 years? When was the last time you saw me sick? I don’t even get colds. I’ve been out wading around in rivers and hanging around outdoors for the past 15 years. I don’t remember the last time I was sick. If it’s nice out, I’m out. Nice is anything above 20 degrees. If the opportunity is there, I’m wandering around in the river sucking up them D encrusted negative ions. How else do you explain that I never get sick? I’m walking, talking proof of what I speak.”
“You’re a walking, talking headache generator. You never sit still and you never shut up.”
“What do you want me to do? Sit around watching sports? I despise sitting around watching sports. Why would anyone want to sit around watching other people do what they enjoy doing, when you can be out enjoying what you like to do? It just makes no sense to me.”
“I need some Advil. If you have all this pent up energy, why do I have to bug you all the time about cutting the grass?”
“I despise grass, sod and anything that resembles a well manicured lawn. If it were up to me they would be outlawed. Everything would look like mini prairies. Think of all the chemicals that would never make it into all the waterways. Think of all the habitat for wildlife, especially rabbits. You know, I have over 20 recipes for rabbit. My favorite was a combined stew of rabbit and squirrel. The more gamey flavor of the squirrel mellowed out the silkier flavor of the rabbit and…”
“Stop it. Stop. Stop. Stop.”
“Anyway, I’m a little thirsty. If you’re heading into the house, could you be a babe and step and fetch a glass of milk for me? May as well get that D stuff going all through my system.”
“If I step and fetch that for you, when I get back out here you’ll be bathing in sun and milk. All I did was ask you, what are you doing?”
“Ah, yes, sucking up all that wonderful sunshine…”
“Yes, I know, I know. You told me already. And it’s soak, not suck, you moron.”
“Did I mention all those negative ions drifting up from…”
“Oh Lord, please, please, please strike him dead. Now.”
